Time: November, Year 5 to May, Year 7
I remember one of the first times I talked to him. Telling you exactly how it was would reveal too much to pin me down, I fear. Let's say that I accidentally called him. And I was feeling so low after the "Summer of Love" that I chat with him. And what possessed me to chat easily with him stemmed from the fact that he was younger and "exotic." I knew from BE that I had an inclination towards men of his ethnicity.
He was so sensitive and I needed it at the time. I remember when we first hugged while outside on a chilly evening. I remember going over to his low-rent apartment many times when I was supposed to be doing work. I remember nearly blowing two years after my second chance because I was so upset by seeing Republican around with his pseudo-girlfriend and then just absorbed myself more with BT even though it was increasingly clear how dumb he utterly was.
I did many things of which i am not proud because my self-esteem was lying around the zero mark and putting him down somehow lifted me. It's not that I regret being perfectly awful to him… I regret having associated intimately with someone so much my inferior. (Think it's harsh to make a value judgment like that? You should have been there. He was not only dumb, but impulsive, arrogant, and oblivious.)
In the midst of it, I felt as if I was juggling everything (except for that pesky final year project) just fine. While he was causing havoc with his family for being with me, draining his pocket to take me out, I wasn't providing much in return. I never admitted to anyone we were together and I still spit at the thought of listing him as a "boyfriend" given the reviling feelings I had for him 80% of the time.
I'm sure my friends were talking behind my back, I'm sure other people who knew us were perplexed and elbowing each other in the ribs. They could have been thinking, "What is she doing with him?!" but I never knew because I wouldn't talk about it. Not then, not now.
My self-esteem was that low for 18 months and this was my second-to-longest "relationship." It's pretty disgusting, actually.
I "rebelled" throughout. I met and spent a lot of time with other guys and revelled in how it drove him up a wall to see me stay on top of my work, go with him, and someone else. there was VBoy throughout most of the year and a half. when i was being flattered by EB and just getting to know him, the BT was continually up in arms. Then there was Indie with whom I totally cheated on BT. And finally there was BPG when it was all winding down.
It was pretty dark in the last few months. I thought I was having feelings because I was confused and he told me he had been withholding the "L" word until I "deserved" hearing it from him.
It was my problem in that I felt like I have to go from one branch (BT) to another (Indie) and that there was no other option (like to ditch two worthless fools). Well, given Indie was spineless and just as ineffective as BT, I chose BT, but then it became even more illicit to spend time with Indie now that I knew how much BT cared for me! I was that confused….
Finally, I thought things were really going to work out with Chakotay (a very sturdy branch) so I "broke it off."
(As it turns out, he told me the day I broke it off he had an "affair." He actually thought it might hurt me but I was beyond caring. I cut him off earlier in the year and he looked for solace. He was the first one I withheld myself from and I should have learned with that first time that that is never a good sign….)
We never talked again. That caused for awkward moments as our paths would cross for another year and people friends with me would be confused how to act and others would marvel how we spent to much time together and "ignore" each other entirely. ~shrug~ I can't be deigned to think about him and don't allow people to talk about him, it is still too close to smart how blind I was but felt i was so clear-headed….
(Word has it that I broke his heart. Good. I still hate myself for getting involved with the likes of him. It occupied me all of that time when I could have been single and maybe have met someone else who instead thought I was wholly unavailable. It damaged my reputation to an extent I don't know but, fortunately, I left town and those things are forgotten over time.)
